Hannah Montana Hits Theaters, Satan Says "The Time Is Nigh For My Invasion"

on Thursday, April 09, 2009  

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are saddling up, the moon is turning red, and the Hannah Montana movie is actually being released in theaters across America. Indeed, everything John wrote in Revelations is coming true. This means parents of tweens and boyfriends of those girls that still watch Disney channel and listen to the Jonas brothers (and, oddly, tend to be the sluttiest...strange) will be subjected to the most mind numbingly terrible movie to hit theaters since The Lizzie Mcguire Movie.

I've made my love for Disney clear, but I should add there is a limit. And it turns out, that limit is the trend of the Disney Tween.  I can't see how these kids reach such a high level of stardom. High School Musical is the only musical thousands of people have seen. As a lover of good musicals, I hate it that that has to be at the forefront of the art. Have any of these kids lives ended up well? Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have spiraled into a level of whoredom and 'dumb bitch syndrome' I didn't think achievable and Hilary Duff has faded out of the limelight (she should consider herself lucky). The rare exception is Shia Labeouf, but even he sounds like he's on the verge of an alcoholic breakdown.

Which begs the question: Is Miley Cyrus next? There's already been leaked photos on the internet of her showing more skin than someone her age should, and she became a common joke when she posed in a magazine hugging her dad's waist in a slightly too sexual way. She's rapidly approaching that eighteenth birthday, where I predict there will be a 'great unraveling' (both metaphorically, and physically, as her clothes will most certainly be scarce).

Though, I'm not sure we'll make it there, as it's clear the Doomsday clock is at ten minutes to midnight awaiting the release of Hannah Montana's release. I, for one, will be holed up in my room with food and water, and a gun. Zombies will walk the earth, Apollyon will reign supreme, and the anti-christ will take control (could it be... Zac Efron?!) Very soon we will all be administered the mark of "HM" on our foreheads, and will be forced to live in darkness.

Pray for your souls. Hanna Montana cometh this Easter weekend, as if hell were laughing at the holiday.

P.S. Grady, please don't kill me.


texasguy09 said...

that is horrible.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i love this article

vivian said...

what a terrible picture.

Anonymous said...

So true! But those who don't know Christ CAN'T see it coming.

Post a Comment